it’s february 9th and i feel like i don’t have the slightest handle on 2018. the year is rolling along without my permission and i feel weary and fuzzy and behind. this is not something that sits well with me. i feel like i need….something, but i have no idea what.
a cabin in the woods so i can get my brain in order and make plans?
a shot of fresh inspiration from….somewhere, somehow?
something new? would something new bring me to the present and get me on track? (but what would that new thing even be? i honestly don’t think new throw pillows are going to help me feel like i’m doing the things i should be doing….but would they?)
i got a haircut – that sometimes works. but this one wasn’t great and i still fight with it every day, weeks later.
i thought i might be able to get away to the coast, but that’s not going to work out and even if it did it wouldn’t be until the end of next month and that is too late. i need to get it together now. there are things that need to be planned, decisions that need to be made now so i’ll be ready for the Easter season.
some things – silly, unimportant things – brought me lower than they should have. they have shaken me and made we want to retreat from people. and yet there’s this part of me that longs to get out there and make my own fun…. but i feel restrained. by past (and not-so-distant past) hurt; by insecurities; by over-thinking. yuck. i honestly hate feeling like this.
i feel like this is just a season i have to walk through. i can’t really think of what will get me out of it. i’m trying (half-heartedly, since i’m being honest) to keep up with my bible reading, and i think i’m still hearing the voice of the spirit, but i also feel like something is missing.
i suspect the Lord has asked me to give up instagram for lent. but i worry that it will make me feel more isolated….and then part of me wants that. i’m just so tired.
i know i have no right to complain. Lord, i know it could be a lot worse. a lot. please don’t test me. i don’t feel like i should be able to apply scriptures like Isaiah 43 to my situation. i’m not walking through fire or praying that the water will keep from washing me away….i moreso feel like i’m floating on top of the water, too weak to get up and walk out, too bored to care. apathy at it’s finest.
Lord, you are here. I don’t doubt that. Please keep me safe and help me do the things I need to do. I still love you and know you love me too.