a new day

{It seems that I come to this place only when I’m in a particular frame of mind…. I think that’s ok.}

I woke this morning with a desire for more of You, God. I want desperately to shake off my apathy.  I longed for a word from You that’s just about You – leave me behind, please.

Easter has come and gone and people say my work was good. And meaningful. I’m so grateful for that because my experience was one of seeing as through a glass darkly. Thank You Holy Spirit for working through me – this broken vessel.

I read in Ps 51 today. I didn’t remember that my last post was from the same chapter. Keller’s devotional asked me to consider sin – this coming after I read Piper’s IG post on sin.  I get it.  I know I’ve stumbled (isn’t that a friendly, inoffensive way to describe a choice?) back into a sin.  I guess I determined that the act itself isn’t sin but because I know You have asked me not to do it (because of the way it affects the way I think and feel), it is, in fact, sin.

I’ve always said that I have a very good handle on knowing my motives (#pride), but this one I can’t define. I’ve assessed it to be pride shaped as some sort of morbid curiosity. Looking down to try and feel ok about rejection, maybe?

Piper says that we can’t possibly know the depths of our sinfulness, and that maybe that is exactly the point.  The fact that I can’t define it shows how deeply embedded in me it has become. “The heart is desperately wicked, who can understand it?”

And so I pray again. Repent again. Look for bright white joy again.

Wash me and I will be clean.

At the same time, I am well aware that the devil knows this area of weakness. How could he not? And so I look to the victory of the cross and hope and believe it for me. Even though I’m weak.

God, the fact that You continue to pursue me….let this thought comfort and sustain me today.  I do love You.

thursday

God, it’s me.  I know You know….

I’ve been avoiding You again.  Why?

I catch glimpses of You all around me. The sun that’s just come out again. The country drive to pancakes with my husband. Planning for some “what-ifs.” Instagram posts. Worship planning. Band concerts.  You’re in it all and so much more.

But it’s a though my heart can’t handle more than a glimpse.  Why?

What will it mean for me if I take enough time to look hard at Your face? What will it mean if I look to Your Word with the intensity that I crave and fear? What do I think I will find there?

I left my Bible at home today. I had all morning to read it and surfed online instead.  Why?

I long for a meaningful life; a life You will be pleased with; a life that brings me peace. I crave simplicity. I hunger to be full of the things I know really matter.  What stops me?

It isn’t You. I know that.

Laziness. Apathy. Self-centredness.

Even glancing at a list of scriptures “to fight apathy” I know the answer.

Confess & Repent. Turn in the other direction. Face into the wind of the Spirit.

There has been bitterness and resentment in my heart. For a long time. There has been a presence of jealousy. I have pushed it down at times (while other times I just sit right in it), but I haven’t cleaned it out. God, these things have blocked me – is that all?  Discontent. Yeah, that sounds right.

Nothing is a coincidence with You. I brought my books from home and the Passion Translation of the Psalms sits on my shelf here at the church now.

On the google list my eye is caught by Psalm 51 ‘restore to me the joy of Your salvation.’

I reach for this gift from my dear friend – how different could it be?

“Purify my conscience! Make this leper clean again! Wash me in your love until I am pure in heart. Satisfy me in your sweetness, and my song of joy will return….Create a new, clean heart within me.” {The word used for create takes us back to Genesis 1, and it means to create from nothing [a creating only God can do]. David no knows he had no goodness without God placing it within him. David wanted a new creation heart, not just the old one being changed.}

“Fill me with pure thoughts and holy desires, ready to please you….Let my passion for life be restored, tasting joy in every breakthrough you bring to me.” {The Hebrew word for joy comes from two Hebrew roots, one means “bright” and the other means “lily (whiteness).”     David wanted to taste a joy that was bright, pure, and beautiful as a lily.}

“Hold me close to you with a willing spirit that obeys whatever you say.”

Thank You, Lord, for giving me the words to say. Thank You for reflecting my heart in Your Word – for showing me myself.

Can we be ok now?

what i thought

i thought by the ripe ol’ age of 41 i would finally be ok.  Oprah told me so.  She said that your forties you feel secure and at peace with yourself.

i guess i thought that meant i would no longer be hustling for approval, certainly.  i thought i might have even moved to the place where i could accept people to such a length that i could accept them outside of their acceptance of me.

a joke that deeply hurt my feelings…

a fear of what someone thought of me confirmed…

unfriended, unfollowed, blocked.

it’s been a rough 24 hours.

it discourages me that this all weighs so heavily on me. i feel like i should be more secure than this.  do i believe in God’s love for me or not? don’t i trust Him with my heart? i guess i thought i did.

acceptance vs. rejection

the war wages on.  i long to be approved of and rejection hurts so deeply….

and the whisper comes.

“Can you receive the very things that you are often unwilling to give?”

I search, hoping for the perfect scripture that gives the answer to my heart laid low. But the reality is that all of scripture tells the story. You love me, You gave everything for me, but sometimes that’s not going to include the approval of others. Often, in fact, it’s going to mean that I’m different, probably a little weird for Your glory, and that’s going to affect how people feel about me.  And sometimes the way people treat me will have exactly nothing to do with me.  And that just is what it is.  I’m not sure that means it’s all “ok” but I do think there’s a level of (what’s that?) acceptance that I need to have of the way things are.

“May your unfailing love come to me, Lord, your salvation, according to your promise; then I can answer anyone who taunts me, for I trust in your word. Never take your word of truth from my mouth, for I have put my hope in your laws. I will always obey your law, for ever and ever. I will walk about in freedom, for I have sought out your precepts….My comfort in my suffering is this: Your promise preserves my life.” (psalm 119:41-45, 50)

day 1 …or so

I was chatting the other day with a friend I’ve only really gotten to know in the last couple of years and the subject of blogs came up. I guess I wasn’t totally surprised to find that she used to have a blog – it was the thing to do for many stay-at-home moms in the early 2000s.

My blog started in 2009.

It was a place where I shared about my life and the things I was learning with God’s help. It became a place of community and I got to know some online friends. It grew to be a source of joy and encouragement, even entertainment.  It really was my hobby.

I had never considered myself a writer and yet I found myself enjoying crafting words into sentences, into paragraphs, into posts.

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I stopped posting regularly in December 2013. I posted just 3 times in 2014.

My 2 last posts went unpublished in August 2015.

While I could point to the fact that it seemed the internet was overrun with mommy bloggers of all sorts as a reason for quitting, that wouldn’t be entirely true.

I became completely occupied with the vulnerability of it all. I worried what people might think – that I would reveal too much of myself and that people would know too much. It began to feel like a friendship where only one person ever shares their heart, and while the other person is a good listener, they never reciprocate.

And yet here I am – starting a new blog with the same name: a little bit more…

I’m not the same person I was in 2009, even though it was only 7 1/2 years ago. This beautiful life of mine has made me a little more reserved, a little more private, a little more careful…but my passion and calling is the same as it was at the start of my first blog. (you can read about it here)

But “a little bit more…” isn’t meant to describe what I’ve become but what I hope to see happen as I follow Jesus every day.

So no, this isn’t my first blog post ever but as I begin again I look forward to where the Lord might take this and to see who I might get to know along the way.

Thanks for reading. 🙂